This weekend was a bit of a washout for me. I have had the whole gamut of RA symptoms plus a probable ‘glutening’ from a little meal out on Saturday. I spent all of yesterday in bed or on the sofa, which normally sends my thinking south.
Here’s my usual state of mind:
- Feeling guilty for not doing all the things I usually do for the family.
- Frustration that I can’t just make the pain go away. My usual painkillers aren’t doing much at the moment – very annoying.
- Feeling like I will never achieve anything with my life, ever again.
- Wanting to eat rubbish, but knowing it will make my stomach and blood sugar levels angry. Feeling annoyed I can’t comfort eat. Doing it anyway and then regretting it.
Reading this list back, it seems a bit melodramatic – but when these days happen, they can feel long and overwhelming.
But yesterday was different. For the first time in a long time I was able to rest without feeling that familiar guilt and uselessness. I felt peaceful.
I listened to Radio 4 programmes in bed all morning (am definitely turning into my mum!) and really enjoyed hearing about scientific discoveries I would never usually come across. The time I spent with Small and Tiny in the afternoon felt really special, even though we just watched a film.
I went to bed feeling like the day wasn’t wasted. I hadn’t ‘achieved’ anything, but I was OK with that. Maybe I’m making progress on my quest to care less about how productive I am. I count that a victory, no matter how small it is!
This morning’s mini victories have included getting the kids to school (with a little help from my lovely dad), hanging out some washing, making some phone calls and writing this blog. And I’m going to celebrate each one!